Why My Healing Journey Never Ends: Embracing Vulnerability and Finding Joy (and how you've helped!)

For many, healing is often seen as a destination—a magical place where pain fades and joy reigns. I deal with my trauma and then I live happily ever after.

That has not been my experience. Healing has not been a linear progression; it has been a winding journey filled with ups and downs, often overwhelming and challenging. It's sometimes ugly (Like, "snot running down your face sobbing" ugly). It's sometimes experiencing pain that punches you in the gut and makes your heart ache. BUT, I have also uncovered an unexpected beauty in this struggle. When I muster up the strength to embrace vulnerability, I find joy. And it is joy that makes me cry happy tears. And I embrace those, too.

In sharing an overview of my story on "This Is Actually Happening", starting the webpage and writing this blog, I knew that i wanted to share in hopes that it might help someone. . (If you haven't heard the podcast episode yet, there's a link below) Based on the amazing correspondence that I've had via email with so many of you who listened to my story, I feel like I definitely got my wish, and then some. And there is the proof: I bared parts of my soul with you, and I was gifted with such great joy. I want to continue to share, not only my stories, but the stories of other amazing humans that are also on a journey. Your stories!

The Beginning of My Healing Journey

When I first really acknowledged that I needed help, that my "emotional cancer" was getting terminal, I felt like I was stepping into a dark tunnel filled with fears and uncertainties. And there really was no light at the end. I remember sitting in my first group therapy session when I started the Adult Partial Hospitalization program, and when it was my turn to speak, I started to sob as I shared that I truly did not believe that I would ever be happy again. The weight of my emotions and my shame felt so heavy, and I had lost the ability to manage them.

As the days went on, I was constantly reminded that healing resembles a spiral rather than a straight line. Some days, I felt twinges of happiness, while on others, I sank into sadness and deep reflection, tempted to let my shame and familiar pain engulf me. This inconsistency is a normal part of the healing process. In fact, studies show that about 70% of people experience emotional highs and lows during their healing journey. I am of the belief that I will be on my healing journey for the remainder of my life. It started with a 6 month mental health leave-of absence from work, 3 weeks of outpatient treatment and 3X weekly individual therapy for 6 weeks. It involved psych testing and being properly diagnosed and medicated. Over time, individual therapy reduced to 2X weekly, then one. It involved relearning how to think and change how I looked at situations. I learned the importance of staying physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. We'll touch on that topic another day!

A serene path symbolizes the winding journey of healing.

How YOU have impacted my healing journey

One of the most impactful lessons I’ve learned is to embrace vulnerability. While it can be uncomfortable and scary, vulnerability has proven over and over to be a strong catalyst for my healing. Sharing my struggles with others has opened doors for authenticity and connection.

After listening, so many of you have braved vulnerability yourselves and shared your struggles and difficult experiences with me. You have verbalized how sharing similar experiences has reminded you that you are not alone. In turn, you are making me feel less alone. This experience has again reaffirmed that vulnerability fosters a sense of belonging and validation, which is incredibly healing. And that is how a community of healing is created!

Finding Joy in the Process

As I have walked this path of healing, I have re-discovered the importance of finding joy and beauty. In order to find something, you have to be looking, right? If I'm constantly looking for or waiting for the next catastrophe, I am not focused on joy and beauty. If I'm looking for joy and making a conscious effort to seek it out, I find I am less prone to automatically to look for the negative. There is something to be said about "stopping to smell the roses".

A quote I often turn to says, “Joy is not in the absence of suffering, but in the presence of love.” This perspective is helpful during darker times. It reminds me that joy and suffering can coexist, and seeking these moments of joy is crucial for my well-being.

This river is one of the places I go to feel joy. This is a huge part of my healing.

The Danger of Comparisons

You can't compare trauma. No one's trauma is worse than anyone else's, it's just different. I feel like this is something that is so vital to try to understand. What is traumatic and debilitating to one person may not be to another. And vice versa. We live in such a comparison culture, but this kind of thinking leads to consistently invalidating someone's experience, and often it is our own.

The following is a response that I wrote to a listener that reached out via email and shared her story with me. I was so very honored to be able to receive that story. It brought me to tears. That willingness to be vulnerable gave the validation that my pain was in fact able to be transformed into something that reached someone and made them feel less alone and gave them hope. It thinks that this applies to so many of you.

"I want to say thank you for the kind words...I will take all the healing energy and love I can get! That never gets old, lol. There was a part of me that was so scared sharing all of what I shared for fear of judgement by others. I'm glad the strong parts of me were able to overcome that fear and just do it. It's the only thing that makes what I went through have meaning and worth. So many people are so wounded and feel so judged and often responsible for the experiences that they've been through.

I was no different. I still sometimes struggle with "I should've..." and "Why didn't I....?". I try to remind myself that I did the best I could with what I had, plus it is a fact that I cannot go back and do anything different. 

I want to thank you for sharing your story with me. What a tremendous amount of pain and abuse you have endured. I am so incredibly sorry that you had to experience what you went through. So much pain. What I see in you is someone, who, like me, continues to fight. I still have plenty of healing to do and I, too, have days where I don't want to get out of bed. But those days, thankfully, happen so far less than before. And there's things that I have to do every day to stay well. And sometimes I hate that. I wish I could just get up every day and "be ok". Not have to take the meds, not have to make sure I'm eating right, watch for negative thinking and use coping skills mindfully, etc. Then I think about, for example, someone with diabetes. They probably get sick of injecting insulin every day and watching what they eat and all that diabetes entails. But without it, they'll get sick. And they could die. And so could I if I don't keep doing what I need to do. 

I don't think you and I are that much different, really. You are just as inspiring to me as I am to you. You and I are just on different journeys, and different points along our journeys. We've both experienced pain and betrayal. And we keep moving forward. And today, we're both here to talk about it."

A serene sunset symbolizes reflection and growth on our healing journey.

Thank you - Miigwech

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. And remember, progress isn't solely about happiness; it involves developing a deeper understanding of oneself.

Each day offers new opportunities for growth. Whether I encounter triumph or a challenge, I try to always keep moving forward—sometimes it feels like two steps back, but I remind myself that I am still progressing. As we forge ahead on this path, I encourage you to embrace the intricate layers of your own healing journey. Remember, while the road may not always be smooth, it grants opportunities for growth, connection, and unforeseen joy. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and reach out for support. After all, healing doesn't follow a schedule; it is a vital and endless process that helps us become who we are meant to be.

In this journey of life and healing, may you find the courage to embrace each moment—both light and shadow—and uncover the beauty within. It's there. I promise.

Sending Good Vibes!!

Naazh